A comment from Bain..Christmas 2011

Well, Bain had a fun night last night. We had our annual family Christmas party which involves most of our family at our house for a big dinner...about 45 people. Bain was in heaven...too many people, too many conversations, too many things going on for Mom to keep track of how much fudge I'm sneaking. So after most of the family had left Bain decided to sample some of the spiced cider.."Why not," he thought "I've tried everything else tonight, including coffee." He realized it was way too hot and quickly spit it out all over his hands and cup etc.. He stood there with a look of surprise and then licked his hands and cup. (Because he HATES to be sticky. Not sure why he cares. He doesn't seem to mind being dirty.) After licking his hands, he looks down and realizes he'd spilled on his pants also and then looks up and loudly says.."OH NO! Now I'm gonna have to lick my underwear!" Sigh...only Bain.

Motherhood Moment of Mortification....2

Well, another post to the ever-increasing list of hilarious/scary/gross/weird things my children do. Sometimes I wonder if I'm the only one on the planet with children like this, but then I remember..I've seen some pretty unstable moms who seem to be teetering on the edge of insanity so, I reassure myself, there must be others!

Ahh...Bain. Where to even begin? This is the kid who ran stark naked from the locker room and jumped naked, yes NAKED, into the deep end of the Lebanon pool. Did he hesitate for even a second or slow down to look and see if anyone would catch his naked butt? NO.

So...We're at my friend Julie's house. I'm in the house visiting and the boys are out playing with Julie's son Riley. They're throwing balls, playing with the dog, running around the yard. I'm watching from the window. I walk over to the sink to get a drink of water, momentarily leaving my post at the window. And...of course...it happens. Bain has to relieve himself. Now, important to note, this child has been potty trained for a YEAR. Yep, a YEAR. He knows the drill. But, this is Bain. Anyway, I'm happily slurping down a glass of cool water when my friend laughs and says, "You better get over here and look at your son." Sighing, I walk over to the window. There he is, my adorable red-head, standing, peeing a nice, big, manly rainbow of pee. He's standing on Julie's picnic table. MORTIFICATION! It's her picnic TABLE!! The one she found at a garage sale and lovingly sanded and painted. The table she LOVES.
So, after apologizing to my friend, who I don't even think heard me over her own hysterical laughter, I marched outside to deal with the situation. Ya know, the mom-walk. The quick paced, stomping march that says, "you've got some explaining to do and even that probably won't save you." He saw me coming and quickly hiked up his tiny drawers and hopped off the table. As a side note, he didn't avoid stepping on the place where he had just peed. Of course not!
When asked to go inside and apologize to Julie for peeing on her table he said..with his little boy dirty palms turned up and that questioning, defensive look on his face...exactly these words.."But MOM!! I DIDN'T pee on the table!! I peed OFF the table. There are NO drips!" I wanted to explain to him that the "drips" aren't really the concern here, but decided to wait for a better time. Sigh.. Gross. I still made him apologize and then I quietly packed the precious little child into my car and took him home, while trying not to notice the smirks I could see Julie holding back. Ahh...Bain.

Motherhood Moments of Mortification 1

Well, this it the new title of an ongoing series of posts that I am creating solely for my own entertainment and possibly the entertainment and encouragement of others who might be in need.

Motherhood Moments of Mortification...Entry #1

Yesterday was my birthday. Somewhere during the day, my tired mother brain departed from reality and began to live in a fantasy world...an alternate reality where everything goes right for a day because...well, because its your birthday for Heaven's sake!

It was 5:00pm. I was in my bedroom. I had a nice, toasty fire going in the wood stove and the room was warm. Re-runs of Little House on the Prairie were on the TV. I was watching the snow softly drift down and had a feeling of excitement both for me and my children. It was warm, cozy and wonderful. I nice, cold Diet Coke was my only companion as I folded clothes and eyed the ironing pile. Now, in my altered state of thinking, I irrationally expected this utopia to continue. Thinking error #1.
From the next room, I heard my 2 boys laughing and wrestling around, making little boy sounds that seemed harmless. Thinking error #2. Suddenly I heard my oldest son yell in his most authoritative, evil bad-guy voice..."IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII'm sucking your BRAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIINNNNNS out!! Ha HA!" My mother brain thought.."Hmmm...wonder if I should check on that one?"

I tentatively left the utopia of my bedroom to find a horrifying scene. Bain, my youngest, sat on the floor, laughing hysterically while Brennan, my oldest stood poised over the top of him...sucking his brains out. Any guesses regarding the tool being used for this tedious task? (wait for it......) THE TOILET PLUNGER!!!!!

OH THE MORTIFICATION!!! SICK! NASTY! Wrong for so many reasons!!

(sigh..) I quietly returned to my shattered shards of utopia, took a long sip of my Diet Coke, gathered my wits, paused my show for later that night (after all, they've been playing with it for several minutes...what's a few more seconds?) and proceeded to the living room to confiscate the plunger when I heard myself say, "Brennan, take the toilet plunger off your brother's head. NOW." (No one should ever have to say that sentence!!) Then I launched into an exhausting speech about germs and why we TRY to avoid them. Then, I reminded myself to remain in reality and survive until my husband returned from work.